Bertachel

Fashion Faceoff

2007-05-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

People Magainze's Faceoff. Let's compare, shall we?

Despite the fact that Nikki Hilton looks like a deer in headlights, I would still say that Hillary Duff looks better. She makes the dress a bit more edgy with the black hose. I think with the solid black material that it looks like it's missing something without the leggings. Although I will say that Hillary's choice in shoe leave something to be desired. It looks like she could go horseback riding, or muck stalls.

Well, I hate to admit it, but I love this dress of Paris and her shoes are faboo! I applaud the attempt by Serena and it almost works, but it looks a shade too small so it doesn't drape as nicely. The length is way too short for her muscular legs. I'm fearful of what it might look like from behind. In this photo it looks like it's riding higher than her Hanes. Not good.

Kelly Ripa's voice is like nails on a chalkboard, but this dress is as cute as can be on her. I'm not sure if Michelle Trachtenberg thought it was a 70s linen scrunch dress and tried to roll it in a long tube whilst wet? Or if she rooted around Kelly's laundry hamper for it after she was done wearing it. It needs to be pressed and taken in on the top. I bet if you stand behind her you could get a free preview!

Poor Lindsay's angry. As she should be! She looks like a campfire marshmellow that got droppped in the ashes. Lily looks gleeful. She pulls it off better, but this is just a bad dress for the both of them. They look like they weight about 80 pounds more than the do. I mean that would bring them both up to an even hundred, but what's the fun in just being kinda skinny?

Hmmm speaking of 100 pounds. Oh Kelly Clarkson. How you rock my music world, but wow. I can't even begin to say how unflattering this is on you. Isn't it true that if you go big on top, to go small on bottom? Not big and bigger. What are you hiding in that tent? Some carnies?

I would say they both pulled off this dress. I'm not wild about it, unless they're at a beach party, then woo! Fun times! But since they both don't look like they're heading toward the shore, it's just OK for me. Very unmemorable.

Charlie Chaplin Homeless

2007-05-03T13:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, um what's with the hat? Pretty sure Mr. Chaplin lost it somewhere in the 1920's, and that's where it should've stayed. Maybe he reached up from the grave trying to claim his lost hat and ripped off the bottom part of her dress, which would explain why it's MIA. It looks like he also snagged both legs of her hottie potatie off-black stockings.

But despite her attacked from the grave look (and face), what's with the claymation man holding her hand behind her? And is that his fingernail that's painted? He probably has to walk behind her because it looks like angry linen shirt man is about to rip off the rest of Lindsay's 1920's night gown.

Some people get the best hand-me-downs.

We no have clothes in the Russia

2007-02-06T12:55:00.000-08:00

Now I know that those crazy Playboy parties can be pretty scandalous and the women in attendance can be dressed very sexy... but I think Oksana totally mis-interpreted the definition of sexy.

"Sexy" in Russian must mean "Leave your house looking like a crack whore wearing only your grandmother's control-top parachute panties".

Dear GOD. What was Oksana and/or her stylist thinking?! She should be dragged into the center of Heff's Playboy Mansion and stoned by the centerfolds... I'm sure she'd come out looking much better after that ordeal than she does in this photo.

Twins?

2007-02-06T12:45:00.000-08:00

David Beckham is usually swanked out in his rugged glam-man treads, but not so much here.He reminds me of my second favorite Mario character... yet not as happy, or as cute.

Hmmmm...

The New Bertachel

2007-02-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

So, we didn't make it through the switch from "old blogger" to "new blogger". Somewhere in the blogosphere Bertachel was spinning off its axis with no one able to rescue it. But we started from scratch, and tried to salvage most of the posts. They don't have links, and the pictures look a little odd, but we made it. *whew*

Now it's on to a new generation with Bertachel. One with a post up at least once a month. ;-)

OMG - It works!

2007-02-05T09:41:00.001-08:00

I can post too! Oh what a wonderful day in the neighborhood!

Testing

2007-02-05T09:41:00.000-08:00

I'm testing this for the future of Bertachel.

We might not make it through the conversion to "new blogger".

Blowing off the dust...

2007-01-03T09:40:00.000-08:00

*Cough cough cough*
Man this thing is dusty!

So my co-writer, Rachel, and I have decided to resurrect this dead blog to bring you more fashion quips, jibs, jabs, and biting commentary on anything fashionable.

Check back often because we're back in business here at Bertachel kiddies!

New Twin Cities Barbies

2006-05-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Twin Cities market:

East Side Barbie
This Hmong Speaking only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a Meat Packers uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green Cards are not available for Barbie or Ken.

Edina Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at Galleria. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

White Bear Lake Barbie
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Brooklyn Park Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available afte r dark and can only be paid for in cash-preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Hugo Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when he's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Bloomington Barbie
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears undergarments from Talbot's and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at Kincaid's. Percocet prescription available.

Mora Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Hugo Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

St. Paul Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her " Willow ." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but you if purchase two St Paul Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

Lake Street Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Anoka/Blaine Barbie She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is cause he's always hunting.

Woodbury Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

The Dating Game

2006-03-29T09:37:00.000-08:00

Single Chick: "Bachelor Number One, describe an ideal date."Bachelor Number One: "I would take you to a rethtaurant where they thpecialize in muthed foodth, ath I have neglected my teeth for the latht thirty thome yearth. I hope you don't mind maththaging my gumth after we eat, and then thucking face with a mouth full of gumth."Single Chick: "I think I'll pass."

Oh the humanity...

2006-03-29T09:24:00.000-08:00

Why, why, WHY?!?!?!?

Oh Kelly Osbourne... I didn't know you were auditioning for a part of Tracy Turnblad... maybe if I close my eyes real tight she'll disappear.

Don't Be This Guy

2006-03-28T09:20:00.000-08:00

Basic Instinct 2: Meet Mrs. Satan

2006-03-28T09:18:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or does Sharon Stone look a little like the bride of Satan here? This was what she looked like for the premiere of Basic Instinct 2... A few observations:

1.) Try not to look so crazy, even if your fictional character is.

2.) Since when is it the "in thing" to match your lips to your hair color?

3.) She really needs a new stylist - I mean, who the heck thought it would be sexy to give her the Marie Antoinette/Hootie McBoob Prostitute/Ratty looking up-do?

4.) You're 50-something, and not hot enough to show your cooter anymore on screen, so let's start looking more our age and a little less scary/slutty.

PR Finale: Part 1

2006-03-02T09:16:00.001-08:00

I don't think that anyone's a guaranteed out or win. It's so stressful to watch.

I was a little bit warmed by Santino's story. He seems to have a different perspective on things. I think that he's going to have a hard time keeping that up when he's thrown back into TV land again. Even though he may have changed, other people are still carrying grudges. The dress that they showed, was beautiful! The silhouette was great, the detail was amazing, and it wasn't over designed. Loved it! I wonder what the rest of his collection looks like. I think that he's going to be more reigned in for fashion week. It was all just a game for him throughout the season, but now that he's at NY fashion week, he's in for the real deal, and I think he knows that.

When Tim Gunn visited Chloe's house, she didn't really have a whole lot done, and she was unfinished in her thoughts about her collection. I'm worried that maybe she won't have a cohesiveness to her collection. Too early to tell though, she has a strong style, so hopefully she can show that off. As much as I want her to win, I'm not sure that she will...

Danny V has gotten cocky! Turn down the attitude and take some constructive criticism. I loved him during the show because I thought he was modest and just very down to earth. Not true anymore! The boy's got 'tude! He isn't taking Tim Gunn's criticism very well, and I think if he doesn't start to listen, his collection is going to be affected. He has a lot of work to do on his clothes. None of them looked quite finished.

Of course, they throw in the challenge that they have to design a 13th look to show as well. Everyone was rather peeved. I wouldn't blame them! Santino's trying to "mask a piece of poo in a collection of diamonds". Good luck on that one! Chloe's brain is fried and she looks like she's going to crack at any second. Danny V has so much work to do on his own stuff, that I don't know how he's going to have time to make another complete ensemble.

The tension mounts! It's too much to handle! I can't wait until next week!

We're Nervous!!

2006-03-02T09:16:00.000-08:00

I agree with Rob's thoughts, I'll write more of my own later.

Here's an e-mail from Rob:

I’m so nervous Rachel! I’m scared that Danny V isn’t going to make it… I have a feeling he will be the first to be cut in the final three… I think it might be between Chloe and Santino… and I have a feeling Santino will win… but let’s face it, I wouldn’t mind it if he won because I have a newfound respect/compassion for him after hearing his life story, and then seeing that gorgeous dress he made… and it looks like his line was really toned down from all of his other extravagant pieces that we saw. And then Chloe’s line was pretty innovative looking and different from what she’s normally done… it looked like Daniel was the only one who didn’t really step outside of the box and do something out of the ordinary from his normal design style. I’m so up in the air about this final Rachel!!! At least last year we knew for sure that one of them wasn’t going to get it (Wendy Pepper)… this year I think it could be anyone’s win… and that makes me nervous! I don’t know if I can wait for next week’s finale! And remember – it’s on earlier next week! I think it’s on at 8… AAAAHHHHHHHH!

PR: Social Scene Challenge

2006-01-05T09:14:00.000-08:00

Project Runway's latest challenge was to make a party dress for one of the leading socialites, Nikki Hilton. I love her, I think she's beautiful, and has a great sense of style. She even has her own fashion line. I couldn't think of a better candidate, great choice for the show guys!
Now, down to the nitty-gritty:

Santino aka *insert 4-letter word here*: He definitely modeled his look after Nikki's style. He did well in the interaction with her at the party as well. As much as I hate to say it, his style was really innovative and it looked like something she would wear. I really liked it. He won. Grrr.

Guadalupe aka Lupus: She finally lost! How she made it this far on her hideously ugly dresses, I'll never know. It looked poorly sewn, and just a gaudy monstrosity. Ick! Too much crinkle, bows, flowers... too much Lupe! The only good thing about her look was the necklace, and I know she didn't make that, but that's all I could think of. She reminds me of Starr from PR 1. Barf. I'm glad she's gone.

Andrae aka Emotional wreck: I loved his dress! At first when he whipped out the jersey I was clawing at my eyes, but he really stepped it up. It didn't look like the tradition casual jersey dress. It had beautiful lines with a bit of a sparkle, and the straps were an added elegance. Nice work Spastic!

Chloe aka Mini-Rachel: I loved her dress as usual. It was simple with a twist. She picked a gorgeous color and did a classic design. She adds things that really make the ensemble pop. I think she would've won this challenge if the design had been a tad more complex. I just love all her designs.

Daniel V. aka Sexy Man: I thought that despite his colored fabric disaster, the look turned out really great. It was the most vibrant of all the dresses and it had a great pattern. I thought it was going to be too much going on, but the finished product looked magnificent. It was fun and very chic. My only question is... how does he do his hair? It's the perfect amount of toussledness!

Diana aka Nerdy McNerdyson: I think every week her design is very different. She definitely has her own style. I liked her dress, but I thought that it was too much, too much fabric, too much layering and too much of everything for the style she was trying to achieve. I also don't think that her interaction with Nikki at the party went all that well. She tends to come off as... well, nerdy. I still like her because I think she's got potential, but the make-over needs to happen stat! You sell your clothes by selling yourself.

Kara aka Kara Plain 'n Tall: I actually liked her design. It was a bit too common. Everyone has a dress similar to that, and while it may sell, it's not cutting edge. I think that she needs to down the prozac while she's making all her garments, but her accent is fun to hear as a panicked screech.

Marla aka Matronly Creator: She copied her dress from one of the pictures they received of Nikki Hilton. Her duplicate was ugly, and Tim Gunn had repeatedly warned her of the similarities. He strongly suggested that she change it to not look so similar. She rotated the square top and added a gem. Not a whole lotta difference lady! I think she'll be out next week. In the words of our beloved Michael Kors, "It's so Maaaaatronly. It looks like a mother of the bride". Be gone Marla!

Nick aka Hottie Potatie: His designs are always right on target. I think it was a very close 3-way tie for the win. His look was in a vibrant beautiful blue, that had a great shape. It flowed nicely, it looked completely original, and as always very well thought out. I loved it. I loved the back, loved the fish tail edge, loved the cut, loved the piecing, loved it LOVED IT! He can do no wrong in my book.

Zulema aka Afro Puff: I didn't like her design. I didn't quite understand it. The top started out well, then as you scan down it just dissolved into this creamy bunched mass. I'm not sure what she was going for it. Maybe she should've made it all tailored like the top, or all chaotic like the bottom. I don't know. It just was blah.

I think this challenge had a lot more good designs than the previous, but they still have a long way to go. I think that the top 3 will be Santino, Chloe, and Nick. I hope they do more unique challenges. I want to see different designs, different styles, and I think it's always interesting when they have a "client". The saga continues!

Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow!

2006-01-05T09:10:00.000-08:00

Watching Project Runway last night only solidified our notion that certain contestants are more than likely "getting it on" behind the scenes. It was ESPECIALLY evident during the re-run of the episode "Team Lingerie", which aired before last night's new episode. If you recall, during this episode, Heidi Klum chose 4 team leaders and those 4 had to choose their teammates. With a skip in their step and a gleam in their eyes, it's clear, my dear reader, that the following designers are sharing more than just work space...Daniel V and Andrae: When Daniel chose Andrae, Andrae looked waaaay too pleased to have been chosen by him. His reaction was almost orgasmic. Daniel is a cutie patootie, with his toussled hair and smoldering eyes, but he could do much better than Andrae, whose head is so big it looks like an orange on a toothpick.Now imagine if these two mated together... I think this is what their child might look like:

Santino and Nick: Somewhat similar to the reaction above, but this time, it was Santino that looked like he was going to spooge his pants when he got to choose Nick to be on his team. Santino's eyes got even more googly than normal and all I could think was "Keep it in your pants, mister!" Nick is so cute though! He and Daniel V should shack up together... they'd be so cute together!!!Now imaging if Santino and Nick mated... I think this is what their child might look like:

Barf... I have to go eat lunch now, and I'm pretty sure I've lost my appetite.

Words of Wisom: Part Two

2006-01-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

Ladies... I really don't want to have to go "Stacy & Clinton" on your ass. Seriously, I'll scratch your eyes out if I see you wearing shoulder pads while sporting a heinous bright teal and black striped business suit with gold buttons.Shoulder pads went out in the late 80's, my friends. Please do not wear them now. It's 2006.

Words of Wisdom

2006-01-03T09:06:00.000-08:00

When you're wearing pink pajamas the size of a Russian circus tent covered in paisley red flowers, and you pair it with elephant sized red slippers... Don't go out to get the mail. People will see you.It's not pretty.

DWTS: Season 2!!!

2005-12-28T09:06:00.000-08:00

Since our beloved show, Project Runway, is a repeat tonight, I decided to take some time to talk briefly about our other favorite show, Dancing With The Stars! When we left season one, the EVIL idiot everyone loved to hate, Kelly Monaco, mysteriously won the competition with her dance partner, Alex Mazeltov (or whatever his last name was... I know it started with an "M") and America was dazed and confused. My Twin and I could not figure out how she had won over the sophisticated and stunning couple, John O'Hurley and Charlotte Jorgensen... BUT, alas, there was a dance off, and America was allowed to vote once again between John and Kelly, and America finally came to their senses, and John and Charlotte kicked major booty.SEASON 2 premieres Thursday, January 5th, and there are a whopping 10 new stars competing this season, so let's take a look at their pictures (you'll have to click the link to see their photo... this wouldn't let me put all 10 photos on here), and I shall cast my judgement on who I think will do well, and who I think I'll hate... ONLY by looking at their photos... because that's just who I am... :)Tia Carrere: You may remember her from the "Wayne's World" movies... I can imagine her doing fairly well, plus her photo is very alluring and makes her look like she'd be very apt to ballroom dancing. Plus she's Asian, like my Twin! We tend to root for them...
Giselle Fernandez: I have no idea who this is (apparently she's a reporter), but she has bad hair, so we'll say she'll do bad...
Lisa Rinna: The ex-Billie from Days Of Our Lives... she is very pretty, but since she's a former soap opera star like Kelly Monaco, I can't justify rooting for her. BUT, I might just have to since she is a former DOOL-ite.
George Hamilton: A Male Tannorexic, I can imagine George being the next John O'Hurley - he can be charming and debonaire, so I think he'll be a hit. I'm sure he's got the moves...
P. Miller a.k.a. Master P: A rapper... no good can come from this. I don't think the name of the show is Hip-Hop Dancing With The Stars... but then again, he was an athlete too, so maybe he's limber and can bring the moves!
Kenny Mayne: An anchor for ESPN... ummm, yeah. He'll be the first to go... ICK! He looks so stiff and he has bad hair. Jocks have no place on the dance floor.
Tatum O'Neal: She won an Oscar at a very young age... the youngest actress ever to receive an Oscar... this one should be interesting. Looks like she's got moxie and could kick some butt, but can her acting skills match her dancing skills?
Jerry Rice: Football player for the Oakland Raiders... I can't imagine him doing well. I picture him being the Evander Holyfield from season one... tromping around like an elephant.
Stacy Keibler: A professional female wrestler??? Oh boy! This should be lots of fun!!!
Drew Lachey: Brother of Nick, and former member of 98 Degrees... barf. Now he performs on Broadway in "Rent". We'll see - I'm not a fan of the Lachey's...
That's all she wrote folks! It should be an interesting season! Be sure to tune in next Thursday for the premiere on ABC!!!

My Hatred Grows

2005-12-22T09:03:00.000-08:00

On another thrilling show of Project Runway, I have come to despise one of the designers. For any good show, there always has to be some one you can hate on, last season it was Wendy Pepper, this year it's Santino.Santino is too arrogant for his own good, he doesn't give any one else credit for their good work either. Unfortunately, he's one of the better designers, which makes me like him less, because he doesn't have the whole package, what a waste. He was completely rude to the judges in last nights episode. His lingerie line was horrible, and "aesthetically not pleasing". (See picture below, it's hideous.)My guess is he that chose to design in the lederhosen style to be chosen as a team leader. His idea sounded great on paper, but when it came out, it looked like each garment got attacked by an evil gingerbread man decorated by a 6 year old. Barf. Then when the judges gave their opinions, he yelled and was very snide to them. Oh Satan... I mean Santino, when will you learn?

Lingerie... yodelay-hee-what?

2005-12-22T08:54:00.000-08:00

Ok, so last night was another fabulous episode of Project Runway. The task was to break off into teams of three and bring to life 3 of the team leader's lingerie designs. Team #1 was headed by the most irritating Santino, along with cutie patootie Nick, and Emmit; Team #2 was headed by the nerdy and can't-close-my-mouth-entirely Diana, along with Horse Teeth aka Lupus aka Gaudalupe, and Marla; Team #3 was headed by Mr. No Time Management Skills, Daniel Franco, along with the elegant Asian Chloe, and Kara Plain and Tall; and finally, Team #4 was headed by the smoldering Daniel V, along with Zulema, and Big Head Andrae.Now that that's out of the way, I shall commence with my Nina Garcia/Michael Kors critiques:

Team #1: I'm sorry, but I have no idea what Santino was thinking with his designs... if he thinks creating a line of leiderhosen lingerie with a HI-DE-OUS color palate of browns and puke greens is going to get anyone "in the mood", he's got another thing coming! Not only did he use bad colors, he had his team added too many details and little embellishments. PLUS, he had the L'Oreal make-up team paint deer faces on the models... LOL... now ladies and gentlemen, if I were going to "get some" and saw my significant other coming at me in bad lingerie that looked like my grandma's couch, with their face painted like a bad night at the musical Cats, I'd definitely lose any and all sex drive right then and there...

Team #2: Way to go Diana and team!!! I actually really liked all of their designs! It was sexy, but gave off the naughty dominatrix vibe... the colored chiffon gave each piece a tasteful, feminine touch as well. Too bad I like boys, or else I'd be all over a woman who wore that to bed! :)

Team #3: Though the designs are sophisticated and clean, Daniel Franco was too safe in his design. I was a little disappointed that he didn't take an original twist in this challenge and create something a little more kinky and playful. In the words of Michael Kors, this design was too matronly... LOL. And I definitely wouldn't want to be thinking of my mother while I'm doing the nasty... hence the reason Daniel was ultimately "OUT"! However, I must give him snaps because he took the blame for his team's poor showing on the runway. He was very dignified and a true leader.

Team #4: The winner of this challenge, Daniel created a very sexy and tasteful collection!!! The theme of his line was "Revenge", playing off of the idea of ex-girlfriends getting back at their ex-boyfriends. This team worked very well together and listened to each other's input, which made for a winning combination. Each piece had its own voice, while remaining a cohesive collection. The cuffs and collars made for a sophisticated and playful touch. Tres scandaleux, Monsieur Daniel!!!

The Set Up

2005-12-22T08:53:00.000-08:00

Maybe I am becoming a big nerd, but I think this is going to be really fun. It will minimize on work e-mails to post all our thoughts about TV, fashion, and our up and coming Bertachel line. Watch out Mrs. and Miss Rivers! Bertachel is live and public!